Deengra’s Schlong

We are bored people. And we get kicks out of our imagination. Any resemblances to anyone living, or dead, are khambletely coincidental.

Our friend’s landlord is a completely bored man too. He spends his entire day at the house he put out on rent. Chilling in the parking lot, all solo-dolo, in the same pair of trousers-shirt, since I’ve seen him in Feb of last year. Occasionally after a lunar eclipse, he wears a dark checked shirt instead of his usual white. We’ve argued that this is around the same time some hot chick moves into the neighbourhood. But we never paid much heed to it.

So Mr. Deengra is 5 feet tall, and loves his freedom. Whenever I talk to him, I picture myself talking to Danny DeVito’s Penguin. He can be funny, and I can understand his need for being to himself, alone, and free. After-all, I’ve been doing it on and off for a decade now. But his family thinks he’s having an affair here. Else why would a man in his mid-70s drive 100 km everyday to just hang out in the parking lot of his bungalow that he rented out?

People have also argued that this started around the time I moved into the neighbourhood and it might have to do with the cloud cover in the air that might give him this really calm, free, intoxicating air. I have vehemently opposed any such ridiculous explanations. I’m modest.

But this story is something else. This is around the time we were chilling in my pad in the adjacent house, on a dub induced lacy afternoon. I mean lazy…

‘Dude’ came home saying he was pissed with his landlord for hanging outside the house day in and day out cos it was killing his privacy and he was feeling guilty bout having to bring in a different woman every month in front of septuagenarian.

 

(fuck, I actually spelt that right in the first effort)

 

As I took the blunt back from him, I said ‘talk to him’. He went ‘yeah…YEAH…I shud talk to him…YES’, quickly stole 2 more pulls, and he split.

10 minutes later, he knocked. After 7 more such knocks I finally got up and opened the door. And there he was, with his jaw down to his chest, his eyes BAZONKED.

It’s like he had seen a ghost. I brought him in, handed him back the blunt. After about 5 minutes when he finally spoke, he went ‘DUUUDE…you won’t believe what I just saw…’

Usually in such cases, in my head I go ‘why the fuck do people have to start a sentence that way and make me even make the effort of saying ‘what?’’.

And I still make the effort, usually. This time though, I just stared right back at him, knowing he’d seen something. Something almost…extra-terrestrial.

So when he went to talk to Deengra, Deengra wasn’t hanging out in the parking lot under the tree. Sometimes when he eats too much, Deengra likes his lil siesta in the basement, where he even has his favourite high-speed fan installed along with a fridge for his daily supply of post-lunch Thums Up. Yes, daily.

So Dude walked into the basement.

Midway thru the stairs going down, he heard some moans… and he completely waved it away as a figment of his horny 25 yr old imagination. As he reached the last 2 steps though, he lowered his neck to take a peek.

Deengra had his pants off, he was checking out his grandson’s laptop.

He came across some hardcore porn, or knew where the folder was.

He was furiously whacking off.

Dude’s heart stopped. And though he couldn’t bare the thought of seeing it again, he did. As men sometimes do thru the corner of their eyes in a public urinal, he took a another look before he froze in his step. Literally.

 

‘DUUUDE! MAAAAAN!!! HIS…THING…WAS..LIKE… 9 INCHES LONG, MAAAAAAAAAAAN. DUUUUUUUUUDE!!!’

 

After a near catfight-esque fit of laughter that lasted about 15 minutes, I took 10 long seconds between breaths to say ‘fuck off, duuude.’

As he kept reminiscing it every half hour for the rest of the day, from the daily comic we’d recognized Deengra to become, Deengra turned demi-god over the course of a silent afternoon.

 

Deengra’s schlong taught us to never be judgemental again.

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About johnny b

dj, writer, traveler, moonwalker, headbanger, mind expander, yoga instructor. View all posts by johnny b

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